Goldibrat and The Three Bears
by chaann
Summary: SemiAU - Based on the fairytale, Goldilocks, but more fun as it's told by Sasori. Non-yaoi. Swearing.


On a warm spring day a young man set off to walk in the woods. With his eyes bright like sapphires and his skin a sunny golden tan, he sure was eye catching in this part of the woods. However what was most alluring of him was his long blond hair that shone like gold, and that is where he got the nickname - Goldilocks.

However he hates that. Don't call him that. Like ever. Or he'll like...blow you up or something... Just don't. God he's such a Brat.

So instead, lets just call him Goldibrat and if he doesn't like that he can go die.

So Goldibrat walked further and further into the woods that he had never been through, and honestly, he didn't like it one bit! The mosquitos were biting, everything was making spooky noises, he stepped in poison ivy and he swallowed a fly! Totally gross.

By now though, the Goldibrat had walked so deep in the woods - and from running around freaking out over swallowing a fly - that he was now very lost. No matter how much he walked, he never got to back the entrance of the forest, or at least the end of it.

The sun was right dab in the middle of the sky though telling him it was about noon.

"Based on where that stupid, hot, flaming ball of sun is, it's about noon...maybe after, yeah"

Not only that, he sure was getting tired. Like a child that needs his afternoon nap or perhaps a crotchety old geezer. And what about his stomach? Surely it was beginning to eat itself for hunger.

"I'm sleeepy and hungrrry!"

Upon that cry, he looked to his left and saw a clearing in the forest, excited and thinking it was to good to be true, he ran towards it and quickly halted and jumped for joy when he saw a small cottage. He ran towards it and knocked fast and loud, yet no one came.

With a big huff he tried the door knob, perhaps they left it unlocked? He tried and succeeded. What a criminal this Goldibrat was, someone had better call the police.

"Well, I'm sure they won't mind too much if I just go in and sit down to rest, yeah."

So Goldibrat walked right on in. Breaking and entering, huh? He needs the death penalty please. Anyway, upon entering he saw three chairs that he could have a seat on. Giddy with glee that he could finally sit, he ran up and gave the biggest chair a try.

"Yikes!" He cried sitting on the largest chair, "his chair is too big and honestly, and too hard! my feet don't even touch the ground!" He poked a worn out part in the woven wooden backing and kept poking until a hole popped through.

"Shit! What a cheap chair!" He cried as he backed away from the hole and moseyed to the next chair in what appeared to be a chair lineup.

Stupid Goldibrat shouldn't have been poking it in the first place. Shouldn't have touched something that didn't belong to him in the first place. Of course he'd break it. This is why he should just not touch anything ever like the stupid little shit he is. He should probably just die or something.

Don't look at me like that.

So he moved on to the next one and sat on it, "Ugh! My feet don't touch the ground on this one either, and what the hell is that? " he whined as he wiggled his butt on the thin layer of cushion. He had let out a sudden yelp at the screw underneath at it jabbed into his stupid behind.

If that wasn't enough, he grabbed his lower back "this will cause back pain for sure! Who in their right mind likes sitting on a tall stool that has a nail poking through it, yeah!"

So he hopped down and went to the last chair available. He sat down and let out a sigh of comfort as he toyed with the doilies and ruffles on the plush cushions. "It's really comfy and my feet touch the ground, it's juuuust right!" he grabbed one doily and poked his finger through the lace, "but damn it looks gay..must belong to a woman or a child sheeeEEESH!" Deidara screamed the last part as the chair collapsed beneath him.

Goldibrat just sat there in the rubble for a moment before standing up and locating a rug and dragging the rubble of the chair and sweeping it underneath. Classy. He then turned around and looked at his ass..

"I'm not fat... MUST have been a child's chair not suitable for an adult, yeah."

Stupid Goldibrat in denile over his stupid fat ass.

His attention was quickly stolen by three bowls sitting on the table. He suddenly noticed how his...tummy...tummy? I'm not saying that... How his STOMACH was still growling and proceeded to see what was inside them. He looked in and furrowed his eyebrows at the Porridge that was inside.

Meh. He could do worse...

"Oh well, I could do worse, yeah."

So he walked up to the first large bowl and took a bite, "Ewww! This is so cold, yuck! It's like cold...mushy...shit!" And spat it out onto the floor. "People who eat food this cold must be cold hearted, yeah. Ew ew ew."

I think Goldibrat is mushy shit.

So he went onto the next one, this one was in a medium sized bowl, "AUGH" he spat the food right back into the bowl, "That's so hot!" And began fanning his tongue. "What was the person trying to do? Burn off their tastebuds?!"

With a groan he approached the last bowl, "Here goes nothing" and popped the spoon of porridge in his big dumb mouth.

This time it was just right.

"Hey! This mushy shit is pretty good!"

And he gobbled it all up like a gluttonous pig.

Goldibrat rested his weight on one leg and leaned on the table briefly as he now noticed with his full belly exactly how much more tired he was. So he proceeded to look around the room before spotting a bathroom first. That made him realize he needed to pee. Too bad for the family here though as the Brat decided to not flush OR wash his hands. Disgusting. I just hope he had decent aim.

"That's better! But I'm still sleepy, yeah!" He yelled. So he walked to the staircase and decided to check the upper floor for a place to rest.

The house wasn't very big. Downstairs was just the one room and bathroom, an upstairs was a bedroom and a storage closet. Each bed was separated by a hanging sheet for privacy.

Upon entering, Goldibrat immediately went for the first, and biggest bed. However after jumping on he quickly regret it - the bed was hard, lumpy and the blanket was scratchy and old. "The big guy living in this house must be stingy with money, all his stuff is pure crap!"

Goldibrat moved on to the next bed but took one look at it, shuddered, and walked to the last bed. Something about a messy bed that had copious amounts of red stains, both dark and light, is apparently not good enough for our dear Princess Goldilbrat.

Finally he came to the last bed. Sure it was covered in stuffed animals, but all he had to do was give them all a good shove onto the floor and it'd be ready. The bed itself fit him perfectly and was plush, soft and very comfy. It so comfy he fell into a deep asleep right away.

A little while later three bears, one large brown bear, one medium sized albino bear and one stupid little black bear came home from their walk

The albino bear was the first one to open the door, and opened it a little too hard, "Ah fuck it's good to be home! Why did we even go on that stupid walk anyway?" He questioned looking back on the brown bear who was putting his hat on the rack.

"Because if we didn't we would of had to put with Tobi's bullshit. I guarantee you my porridge is freezing now!" The grumpy brown bear growled as he put up with his roommates nonsense. The little black bear pushed past him making him growl again.

"It's always freezing because you're too damn cheap and lazy to use hot water!"

The albino bear spat back. "Why do we eat porridge anyway? We're fucking bears!"

A loud cry rang out through the room as briefly after the little black bear and snuck in after the two bigger ones. "My chair my chair! Someone broke my chair and swept it under the rug! My chaaair!"

Brown bear and Albino bear rushed over to investigate and looked in shock at what they saw. Stupid bear was telling the truth! Someone had broke the chair and swept it under the rug. What a dumb move. Was the person who did it expecting them to not see the broken trail and the massive lump under the rug? Idiot.

"Hidan! I know you didn't want to go on the walk, but that doesn't mean you can break Tobi's chair! That shit costs money!" Yelled an even angrier Brown Bear.

"Chill Kakuzu! I didn't fucking break it! Look, someone put a hole in your chair too!"

Kakuzu Bear growled again but shook his head to relax himself and wandered over to the table to eat his porridge before it got any colder. He could deal with the chairs after he ate something. He looked at the spilled porridge on the floor before he dashed over to look at his bowl. "Hey! Someone has been eating my porridge!"

Hidan Bear walked over and laughed at the sight of someone touching that icy cold mush. That is until he glanced over at his own bowl and noticing that his was also indeed touched. "Hey! Some dipshit has been eating mine! Ew they even spat it back into the bowl, fucking gross!"

Tobi Bear looked at the two in horror and ran to his own bowl and nearly fainted at the sight. "Someone has been eating Tobi's porridge, and it's all gone!"

The two other bears gasped in shock and looked at each other. Whoever this house invader was, was apparently out to make their lives utterly miserable.

Kakuzu Bear flinched as he panicked and ran to a corner of a the room where he moved a small rug and yanked up a floorboard to expose a box. He opened it to count his secret stash of money and sighed as he saw that is was all there. "It's okay. They didn't take my money."

Hidan Bear scoffed and Tobi Bear whined still bothered by the fact their house had been invaded.

"What if the intruder went upstairs and stole all Tobi's stuffies!" The black bear cried tugging on the albino ones arm. "We have to check! You have to check with me!"

The three bears carefully climbed the stairs to their sharer bedroom and approached Kakuzu Bears' bed. "Someone has been sleeping in my bed!" He glowered as he looked at the foreign indent in his lumpy mattress - thanks to Goldibrats fat ass.

The three bears moved onto Hidan Bears' bed and looked at it. "Well, looks like no one touched mine! I'm not sure if I should be offended or not..." He murmured looking at his untouched bed.

The three bears then moved on to Tobi Bears' bed and looked with shock. "There is someone IN my bed! Look!" Cried the little bear pointing at Goldibrat.

Now Goldibrat had heard the ruckus and opened his blue eyes wide. There in front of him stood three very different bears!

"Oh uh. Hello, yeah."

The pack of bears made a leap and mauled Goldibrat to death for breaking into their house. And because Goldibrat ate the bears porridge, they ate him instead. The end.

Sasori closed the book in his hand and sighed now that he had finally finished the story. Well his own special rendition of the story.

"Wow Danna, I'm not sure if I should be insulted or impressed, yeah."

Sasori sent the blond a stern look. Here the punk got his stupid mortal body sick, and then proceeds to whine and complain until he gets a story read to him and now has the nerve to continue in complaing in any way? Sasori had a heart of gold for doing this! He had even made the stupid fairytale interesting. So what if it included a little Deidara bashing? If the book stores sold his version on the shelves, he'd be rich!

"You should be honored Brat." Sasori sneered getting off from the foot of Deidara's bed.

"You made Goldilocks such a idiot," Deidara whined into a tissue as he blew his nose "and then proceed to kill him off, yeah!"

"His name was Goldibrat and it was my story and I wished he were dead so I made it so." He sneered back a the boy.

Deidara puffed his cheeks out. "Tch! I have to admit, I did like the idea of Kakuzu, Hidan and Tobi as bears."

"Of course you did, you're a Brat."

"I was a little saddened that there wasn't a strong, redhaired, woodsman who would come to save Goldibrat in the end though, yeah." Deidara added with a cheeky grin.

Sasori sighed and rested his weight on the door frame as he was on his way out. "The woodsman had more important things to do than saving a stupid brat. Like making real art. Now if you don't mind," he turned around quickly looking at Deidara. "NEVER BOTHER ME AGAIN." And slammed the door.

Deidara looked blankly at the door and slowly tilted hi head down."This just in. Sasori Danna might be a bear..."

* * *

><p>I haven't done a fairytale in awhile...so yeah... Lots of deidara bashing woo<p>

if u imagined bear/humans u did it wrong. they're actual bears roar

sasori should read stories to children at the library


End file.
